Arrancar Ciento Tres, the Celery Tray
by Kiroku Ookami
Summary: This is simply a random collection of one-shots that I'll add to as I try to become a better FanFic writer. The title refers to episode 153 or 152, I forget which, in which Ichigo displays his lack of Spanish vocabulary. M, just in case for lemons.
1. Renji, the Playboy and Tampon Expert

Chapter 2: Renji...?

* * *

The next day, Rukia demanded that she was given the chance to show her off her DDR skills to their friends. Of course, Renji, being the impatient one that he was, wanted to try playing after her, so…

As Ichigo tried to instruct him, Renji nearly set Zabimaru to the TV when the electronic monitor read "FAIL. YOU SUCK." after each attempt.

"…So you just step on the thing? Like this?" Renji stomped on the delicate pad, tearing a hole through the fabric and foam lining. Rukia and Orihime winced. Uryu and Chad snickered.

"Not that hard, you moron!" Ichigo yelled. What the hell is your problem? Haven't you ever heard of being careful with other people's junk?" He punched Renji in the chest, and Renji staggered back, hollering, "I'm a moron? Who's the dumb ass who tried to kill himself yesterday with a freaking rug?" Inevitably, the two attacked each other in front of the TV as Rukia sat back and sighed.

"Jeez. They're so high strung." Orihime, Uryu, and Chad nodded.

"WHO'S HIGH STRUNG?" Ichigo roared, avoiding a swift uppercut.

"You are, carrot head!" Renji shot back, ducking as Ichigo swiped at his head.

"Fire hydrant!"

"Bastard!"

"Dumbass!"

"Retard!"

"Isn't it amazing how quickly Renji has acclimated to the world of the living? He's able to use blue-collar insults in retaliation to Ichigo's sharp remarks," Uryu said sarcastically.

"Shut it, tampon suit, or you're next!" Renji snarled.

"MY SUIT DOES NOT RESEMBLE A TAMPON!"

"Yes it does! It looks like that one Chappy magazine Ichigo lent me!" Renji remarked.

"Chappy? Why haven't you told me, Ichigo? I love Chappy!" Rukia squealed.

Renji and Ichigo paused, and Ichigo hissed, "Idiot! I told you not to mention that!"

"What's the magazine name?" Rukia asked.

"Oh, Playboy."

***SMACK***

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"YOU DUMBASS! THAT WAS A SECRET!"

"PLAYBOY?" four voices shouted.

"Um…since when does Renji read Playboy?" Orihime asked nervously.

"Why are we even having this conversation?" Chad added.

Rukia turned to Ichigo, her cheeks flaming. "I can't believe you'd even sink that low. Don't the words 'female degradation' mean anything to you?"

"First Renji's a tampon expert, now Rukia's a feminist?" Uryu queried. "Wow, this author's really lost her marbles.

* * *

So, I tried out a beginning for chapter 2, and it got kind of out of hand. I'm new, like I've said before, so editing is becoming an arduous task. Therefore, to give you something to laugh at, I just decided to post this guy.

!Adios!

~Kiroku Ookami~


	2. How To Make Byakuya Look Like An Ass

Way #45 to make Byakuya Kuchiki look like an ass

"Ouch! Ichigo! That was my arm!"

"Sorry, Rukia, sorry! It's not my fault! You're the one who's rubbing my thing so much I can't even think straight!"

As Byakuya passed Rukia's room, he stopped. Why in the Seireitei was Ichigo with her? She was supposed to be healing! More importantly, why in all hells was the door locked? Glancing around, the captain saw no one in sight. He stepped towards the door, listening carefully.

"Well, are you happy now? Because you finally got the upper hand. Or position, should I say…"

"Yes, actually. Oh…come on! Come on!" Moans were heard from the other side. "Rukia, come on! YES! YES! HA!" Ichigo crowed.

What else would that sound like? That idiot substitute Shinigami was engaged in…intimate…activities with his younger sister! How dare he! Enraged, Byakuya drew Senbonzakura.

Prepare to be castrated, worthless human.

"Oh, Ichigo…Ichigo…dammit!" Rukia's female gasp set him off. With the typical grace and power of a captain, Byakuya all but tore the door off of its hinges.

"How dare you defile a soldier of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, Ichigo Kurosaki! You will die now!"

"Brother!" Rukia's flushed face peeped out from her position. On top of her, Ichigo bent awkwardly upon himself to greet the captain.

"Hey, Byakuya. We were just playing Twister. Wanna join?"


	3. Bad Touching

A/N: Watch the Bad Touch dance when you read it. Most of the choreography comes from that song. (Bad Touch by the Bloodhounds)

* * *

Captain Kuchiki walked with ease back to his flat, mulling over the discussion points of the captain's meeting.

No, not walked-a person of his stature never simply walked. He _glided_ in a very powerful and majestic way wherever he moved. Not a trace of emotion showed on his perfect countenance. The taicho was going on his lovely way when a cloud of purple issued from the doorway ahead, surrounding him. Unruffled, he surreptitiously drew his zanpaktou, holding it blade-side-down. A stray movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention. With the swiftest of moves, Byakuya disappeared, leaving an imprint of his body wavering in the air for a split second.

He materialized behind his adversary. A dreadful mistake.

The opponent's fist connected squarely with Byakuya's jaw, and he collapsed.

Although his stoic face revealed nothing, the captain's head was spinning with questions as he lost his grip on consciousness.

* * *

"Did we get him?" Chikako piped up. "Wait, is he dead? You're not supposed to kill him!"

"No! Really?" I inquired sarcastically. "Of course he's not dead! Can't you feel his reitatsu? Stop freaking out!"

We both looked at the corpse-ahem, unconscious captain. Personally, I can't believe Chikako's little trick, having such little power or even thought, worked on this powerful captain. I tittered. Perhaps this dude has to up his game a few notches. Seriously.

"What did you use, anyways?" I asked.

Chikako fixed me with a serious gaze. I shivered. Although she is the wimpiest person on Earth, she sure as hell can be creepy.

"Flower Power perfume and sleeping gas," she said.

"Seriously? You knocked him out with a cheap scent that smells like sour milk?" I couldn't believe it.

"Kuchiki-taicho is hypersensitive to smell. That gas knocked him out before you even punched him," she explained.

"Uh…oooookay, then. Let's go." We picked up Byakuya's body, being careful not to tear his robes. Walking toward the Senkaimo, Chikako asked me again. "Why are we doing this?"

"Because we'll get a cool eighty hundred yen each and we're sellouts. Duh," I said.

"What about Hisana? She'll gut us alive!" Chikako squealed.

"Yes, if you keep screaming like that, she will. Shut up," I commanded. "Come on. I think she'll actually be thankful that we spiced up her sex life; admittedly, somewhat indirectly…"

* * *

_After Rai and Chikako kidnapped the captain, they traveled back to the World of the Living, where half of the Soul Reapers were cleaning up the mess of Karakura. Having approved of their little scheme, General Yamamoto encouraged them to help cheer up everyone after the loss of Captain Kyoraku. Now, one month later, in a local theater by Ichigo's house, every Soul Reaper is in for a big surprise…_

* * *

"For the last month, you may have wondered where your dear Kuchiki-taicho was. Truth is, he wants to show you his newest talent! He's got power, he's got looks, and now he's got…dance? Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly announce the one, the only, BYAKUYA KUCHIKI!" I bellowed.

Every member of the Seireitei cheered. Toshiro Hitsugaya, of course, had his "I don't give a rat's ass" look on his face. But he'll probably enjoy this show just as much as everyone else. With charisma, I leaped off the stage and went to join Rukia and Renji in the audience.

Smirking, I strolled right up to the lieutenant. "Pay up, sucker. It's all mine."

"Yeah, right," Renji snorted. "Rai, he hasn't even sung once under your crap. There's no way you'll make him sing at all, let alone a gay song like this."

"Oh, he will. He will," I chuckled evilly. "And don't worry, Rukia, your brother is safe and sound. His reputation won't be damaged…permanently."

"That's what I'm afraid of," she told me. I settled myself between the two Shinigami.

The curtain slowly rose, and I crossed my fingers. Please, oh, Kami, please don't let him wake up in the middle of this. If he does, Chikako and I-well, mostly me, because I'm the criminal mastermind-are screwed. And personally, I'd like to keep my favorite finger to shoot people the bird with.

As the music starts, a lone spotlight appears, illuminating Byakuya in all his flamboyant glory. Everyone gasps. Clad in an electric blue green kimono with a lacy black obi, Yaky-kun stood tall and impassive. That is, until he opened his mouth.

"_Ha, ha, well now!"_ he laughed. _"Well, we call this the act of mating. But there are several  
other very important differences between human beings and animals that you  
should know about."_ His voice dropped, and a catchy beat started, followed by an electronic instrumental prelude.

_"I'd appreciate your input," _he whispered.

Bobbing his head to the beat, he leaped around the stage, looking very much like a bloodhound on an acid trip. With a voice like silk, he began to sing,

_Sweat, baby, sweat, baby, sex is a Texas drought/me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about_

Rubbing his own chest sensually, he sang-  
_So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts  
Yes, I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert, and you're getting two thumbs up_

Spinning to the center stage, he waved his arms accordingly to each line.  
_You've had enough of two-hand touch, you want it rough, you're out of bounds  
I want to you smothered, want you covered, like my Waffle House hash browns_

Combining breakdancing and pelvic thrusting, he continued-

_Come quicker than Fed Ex, never reaching apex like Coca-Cola stock you are  
inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time_

Acting like a monkey, he-well, he acted like a monkey.  
_(do it now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
(do it again now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_  
_(gettin' horny now)  
_

After another breakdance routine, he fixed the audience with a heavy lidded, husky stare such that over half of the Seireitei's female population fainted.

_Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket  
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it_

At this, a mighty thrust-

_Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas  
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean, means "small craft advisory"_

He fisted the air, licking his lips.

_So if I capsize in your thighs, high tide, B-5, you sunk my battle ship  
Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip_

_So show me yours I'll show you mine "Tool Time", you'll Lovett just like Lyle_

Licking his lips again, he stared lustily at some point at the audience.

_And then we'll do it doggie style so we can both watch X-Files_

As the chorus played one last time, he pressed himself to another female dancer and _felt her up_. The audience hooted, I snickered, and two seats to the right, Hisana looked like she would blow a gasket. Hey, I'm doing her a favor. Yaky'll be so horny for weeks that the poor woman won't be able to walk. At least she'll have some excitement.

_(do it now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
(do it again now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_  
_(gettin' horny now)_

Pointing right at Hisana, he directed every move to her.

_(do it now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
(do it again now)  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_  
_(gettin' horny now)_

The dancers finished their routine and stacked up on top of each other in an intricate pyramid with Byakuya at the top. He planted his right foot on one's back, left on another's, and struck a pose worthy of Arnold Schwarzenegger. And stared huskily at-who else?-Hisana.

Whoa. I have never seen her so turned on. For a second that lasted forever, Hisana and Byakuya shared a look that was so passionate, I might have just as well been barging in while they were doing it.

Someone above must hate me right now, I know it. Because after that second, all hell broke loose. The pyramid of dancers crashed to the floor, and Byakuya tumbled off in a clumsy heap. Of course, this was a great time for my spell to break as well. Every dancer seized, woke up, and ran off the stage screaming in terror-right into the audience of Soul Reapers. As the two fought, Chikako ran off to mitigate the chaos, followed by Rukia. Renji had this weird look on his face.

Last but not least, Byakuya. After he had righted himself, he viewed the turmoil with a slight frown. Inevitably, his eyes slid to me. Did he stare at me? Yes. Did he seem happy? No. Would have I died if looks could kill? No, but if they could torture one painfully, then yes.

Then he disappeared. I knew I was done for.


End file.
